When Special Interests Just Go Bad……

These people and special interests make go crazy!

*Disclaimer: Something I’m writing that could hint at Celebrity Worship Syndrome.  But it is about unhealthy special interests/obsessions.

 

This is an unusual situation for me.  Kinda.  Like all Auties, I have a set of special interests and obsessions that I enjoy.  I have them for a few months, enjoy them and move on.  Until the next time.  And it’s usually fun.  It’s usually very calming and peaceful.  You learn a lot and more.

But what if you actually reach a point where your special interest/obsession is no longer fun? If the initial joy and peace is replaced with negative feelings? Boredom? Fear? Dread? Paranoia? Groupthink? What do you then? How do you stop that autopilot that can turn into regret?

I’m still trying to figure this stuff out myself. I don’t know if I should even be writing about this, but I still feel like I need to. For some reason…..

“Symptoms”:

• It’s the first thing you think about every day.  That person, place or thing you’ve grown to dislike or just be bored with is still stuck in your head somehow.
• You end up feeling bad about yourself for looking up the information when you didn’t feel that way before.
• You spend all day alternating between looking up your SI, closing out pages and opening them back up.
• You wonder if you should get that “no going back” type of option on those blocker apps.
• You’re just lucky that you don’t have any books or magazines or any other things that can easily be destroyed.
• Maybe not? Depends on the SI?
• Paper cuts are a bitch.
• You seriously think about smashing or selling your phone and laptop because you can’t trust yourself not to look them up.
• You deny your strength.
• You constantly hate yourself for “following” them or it.
• Because you’re causing yourself pain on accident. You just want to enjoy it like you did before. Have that euphoria.
• But will you ever get that again?  Is it worth find out?
• It is like a relationship.  I don’t care how crazy it sounds.  It is like a relationship.  A once- good relationship that has turned sour.
• You have to slowly wean your way off, but eventually, it’ll be replaced by something else.  And you’ll be free.
• Who knows?  Maybe you’ll be able to come back.  But maybe you won’t.
• But right now, just work on walking away.

 

Hmm.  Can any of you relate?  Maybe not?  Talk in the comments if so inclined.  If not, see you next week.

Am I normal? Maybe not…..

What the eff deallio?

Have any of you ever experienced this? This bizarre feeling that just….comes over you every once in a while. It’s like this:

• You’re autistic. You know that you’re autistic. Diagnosis and everything.
• But you sometimes have doubts.
• You have sensory issues, but it’s different every day.
• Some days are so exhausting, you barely have energy to function.
• Other days, you’re almost….what is that word? Normal. The noises and sounds bother you….but not really.
• You have a good intuition about people. But aren’t we supposed to have bad intuition?
• But 5 minutes later, you make yet another social mistake. You tell another stranger about your new obsession with that new true crime show.
• Then you realize that you haven’t changed.
• Meltdowns? What are those?
• Then you remember that one “fine” day. You had that….experience in your women’s group. You later realize that it was a meltdown. Which you rarely have.
• Thank goodness.
• Your mind is the busiest place ever. You’d do anything for a big break from it.
• Most people have routines, but don’t need them.
• But your life is boring and chaotic at the same time. You need a routine.
• You can handle change, you realize. As long as it’s your idea.
• Even then, it’s hard.
• You handle wearing most fabrics.
• Then you cringe when someone mentions “wool”. Wool, wool, wool.
• I hate wool.
• It’s like you have most of the symptoms but it feels different day.
• Sometimes, you feel uncomfortable around other autistic people. It’s like being in doubt around the people who get you.
• Many of my friends are on the spectrum too. Many of them don’t want kids. I shouldn’t want them either but I still do.
• You constantly read forums and join groups for people on the spectrum.  You relate for the most part.  Why is that?
• Oh right. 
• Maybe I have learned a lot in nearly 20 years.  Or almost 36.
• Maybe I am a good masker?
• Or maybe not.  Damn social rules.
• Goddamn sounds.  What the fuck is that noise?

Is it just me or is it you too?  If so, I’ll see you next week…..

To Share or Not to Share. That is the question….

There are people out there who are so private and secretive that you’re always shocked they can even speak.  They share nothing.  And it’s frustrating….and can be boring.  Then there’s that person who is the exact opposite.  The oversharer.  That person who has no filter, will tell you anything about anything and anyone.  This person is fun, fascinating, interesting and exhausting as hell.  Part of you is even afraid to divulge any information about yourself because, “What if they overshare this personal info with someone else?”. Embarrassing…

Of course, most people are a mix of the two.  But it seems like bouncing between Oversharer Central and Super Secretive Central is very common amongst those of us on the spectrum.  But why are like this? 

Let’s ponder a few things:

• we’re desperate for a connection.  Maybe not desperate, but most of us really want one.  
• But because of our life condition, it can be hard.
• Most of us just hate small talk.  It’s just so boring.
• SO we want to skip the small talk and get to the real talk.
• I end up telling people about my hives and even show them the one on my leg.
• You’re having a nightmare of a day, so you confide in the person sitting next to you in the Uber cab.
• You talk about some of your deep, dark secret with the friend you’ve only known for 2 weeks.
• But when someone asks you a personal question, you’re suddenly mute.
• You keep your hobbies and interests to yourself because people have made fun of you for them in the past.
• And you don’t want history repeating itself.
• You talk about your true crime special interest before you tell someone your name.
• Sharing all sorts of disturbing details to your potential new friend.
• Someone asks you a personal question and you just unload on them.  
• Talking about menstrual cramp to the friendly UPS guy.  Way to make an impression *sarcasm*.
• Your therapist asks you a bunch of questions about your life, which is their job.  
• But you don’t know how to answer any of them.  Or you don’t give the answers they want or expect.
• You think you’re being open when you’re not.
• You think you’re being private when you’re not.
• “Should I tell them about my diagnosis or should I keep it to myself?“
• Overshare and you risk rejection.
• Be a Super Secret agent and you risk rejection.
• You’re more comfortable being open, but you know you can’t always be.
• You suspect you should be private, but you know you can’t always be.
• And so on and so forth.

 

So you just keep up your two modes.  Why?  Maybe it’s okay?  It’s who you are.  Any tips?

 

See you next week!

Small Talk, Big Talk

I’ll let you in on a little secret. I don’t like small talk. I find myself having to do it more than I’d like. It’s very easy. But you can actually be good at something that you don’t like doing. Small talk is boring because its filler. Tiny bits and pieces of information that, to be honest, you can find out for yourself without even asking the other person. Don’t you just hate questions like:

How’s the weather?

Most cell phones have that info right on the starter screen.

How are you?

I hate that question with every fiber of my being.  I always assume that it’s an invitation to actually talk. Open up. But most people just want a reflex answer. 

“I’m fine”.  “Okay”.  “Good, how are you?“.

What do you do for a living?

That is what Facebook is for, but it’s not as bad as “Why don’t you have a job?”.

You always wonder if the truth–that you’re unable to work–is the best thing to say.

Another blow to your self-esteem.

And other small talk questions regarding status, love, careers and keeping up with The Jones and etc.  Who are the Joneses anyway?

Why can’t people ask questions like this:

• What’s your biggest fear?
• What’s the wildest, craziest dream you’ve ever had?
• Name one person, dead or alive, you’d love to meet.
• I see you like The Sims?  3 or 4? Maybe 2?  Do you like number 1? Then the 2 of two of you can debate over which is best.  Or geek out over your shared love of Sims 3.
• You both can happily complain about how you both hate math with a fiery passion.
• Name your favorite actor.  What do you like about him or her?  Favorite movie of theirs?
• Have all of your dreams come true?  None?  Some of them?  Me too.
• I wanna know you.  I want you to know me.  Let’s really get to know each other.

The small talk can wait.


This how many auties prefer to communicate.  Ditch the small talk and go right for the meaty stuff.  But this frightens most NTs.  I never knew why. Maybe what they need is time?


Hmm…

Well, that’s my nonsensical rant this week.  Feel free to comment and see you next week.